I have been having a ball. I saw friends in London. I went to PARIS. I did normal activities such as shopping and dancing and laughing. I have done a lot of laughing. Never underestimate the power of a good laugh.
|Paris with the beautiful Madre|
|Did I mention I went shopping?|
|...and bought these beautiful things!|
I have really enjoyed pretending to be normal for a couple of weeks. The only trouble is that I think I have been lying to myself. I know it is impossible to forget that I have cancer but I am becoming ever more gifted at not facing up to reality. By keeping myself busy, I start to worry about normal problems like running late or what shoes to wear, and I manage to avoid thinking about my upcoming surgery. Because you see the truth is, that although I do my best to pretend that I am fine, I really am very scared and I don't like to admit this to myself. I am scared about having a 10 hour operation. I am scared about waking up and not liking the result of the surgery. I am scared that when they take Kenneth out and can do proper tests on him the stage of cancer I am diagnosed at will rise. All of you, if given the opportunity will look for the positives. Tell me that at least Kenneth will be gone. That the surgeons and anesthetists will know what they are doing and that I will be fine. I know all these things are true, but that doesn't stop me from worrying. I have always been a worrier. Always. I worry about lots of things, in fact I spend my whole life worrying. And now I actually have proper reasons to worry. My problems are now way bigger than what shoes to wear! And sometimes I am just not very good at realising this. I make everything into a joke. But really having cancer isn't a joke. There are I admit funny parts to it and I do like to look at the best side of things in life, but sometimes, just sometimes I think I have to take this whole cancer thing a little more seriously.
Love you long time. X