I'm climbing a mountain, no actually...

Hi everyone,

So I know its been a long time since I checked in with you all. A lot has happened. I went traveling with Caitlin for 2 months and have got a place to go back to University in September to do a masters degree in Environmental Policy and Management! But before I go back to school I am climbing a mountain to raise money for Coppafeel! 

At the end of August I will spend 6 days climbing the Mountain that is Macchu Pichu in Peru with my legendary friend Lucy. Why am I doing this you might wonder? The answer my friends is that I thought it was about time I got my act together and raised some money for the wonderful charity Coppafeel! Family and friends have all done things to raise money for them before and now its my turn...

I have been making a video blog on you tube in a bid to raise awareness and also to try and show people why raising money for Coppafeel! is so important to me. The first two include flashback videos of when I was going through treatment, you can finally see what it was like for me to have my hair shaved off! I will also be making some videos to keep everyone updated on how my training is going.

You can sponsor me here

 https://coppafeelmachupicchu.everydayhero.com/uk/laura

Please Please Please help me to raise as much money as possible for this amazing charity. Your support means the world to me.

Here are my Vlogs..

https://coppafeelmachupicchu.everydayhero.com/uk/laura
Love you long time. X

I'm back!

Hello friends,

I am so sorry for my absence from the blogging world. I have no excuses other than I have just been busy living my life. It has been amazing to return to work and start doing other things that don't require me to plan around hospital hospital appointments.

I have a few things to update you all on...

My hair and eyelashes are growing/have grown!!!

(This photo was taken today)

The documentary I did that teensie tiny bit of filming for mentioned here, is on BBC Three at 9pm on Wednesday. It is all about the founder of Coppafeel! Kris Hallenga and it is going to be an eye opener for sure. I would love as many of you as possible to have a watch. She is one amazing lady and she has a story that needs to be heard.

Me and Kris on the day of filming

I have also written my first ever piece for a Women's glossy magazine in the June edition of Cosmpolitan UK (available to buy in May). I am beyond excited to see my very own words in print in my favourite magazine, a dream of mine for a long time.

On October 1st I am going to be taking part in The Show for Breast Cancer Care. This is a fashion show where all the models have had breast cancer. It will completely put me out of my comfort zone but I think this is a good thing. I am really excited about it and can't wait to meet the other ladies and gents taking part.

Since January I have also had a lifestyle overhaul. I have cut out dairy products from my diet (apart from the odd cup of tea and square of dark chocolate, I am only human after all) and have drastically reduced my sugar intake and I feel SO much healthier. I have more energy, my skin is clearer and I am finally losing my chemo/tamoxifen weight. I plan to do a blog post all about what I have learned about nutrition for cancer patients soon. There is a lot of information surrounding the whole "if you have breast cancer should you eat dairy?" topic and whilst I do not believe that every breast cancer patient should remove dairy from their diet, as my tumour was hormone receptive it is just a decision I decided to make. I try to walk 15 miles a week as well, gradually building up my fitness.

I eat things like this...

Dairy free berry smoothie

Porridge with almond milk, blueberries and cinnamon.

Quinoa with red pepper and greens.

I am still obsessed with all things beauty. I am really enjoying having longer hair to style now and really hope to have a side fringe by my birthday in June. I have lots of new favourite products to tell you all about so I guess that is now two blog posts I owe you?

Finally, I have a little favour to ask you all. My 60 year old Dad has rather madly decided to run the London Marathon this year having never run before in his life. He is raising money for Coppafeel! and Breakthrough Breast Cancer and the funds will be split equally between them. If any of you would like to sponsor him please click on the just giving link here. Both of these charities do such great work and any support would be very welcome, even if it is just £1.

So I leave you all for now as I must get ready for the hospital to have some Herceptin but I promise to write again as soon as I can.

I took this photo the week I was diagnosed. I love it.

Love you long time. X

Radiotherapy weeks four and five...

Hello everybody, I am so sorry for taking so long to blog. I wasn’t very well but now I am back and ready to update you all.

I have now finished radiotherapy. WOOHOO! The main side effect I have found is tiredness but it really isn’t that bad and is definitely manageable. My skin is red and apparently will keep ‘cooking’ for the next two weeks but aqueous cream helps to soothe it. I have been wearing loose clothing and avoided extremes of temperature (luke warm showers are not much fun) in an attempt to minimise irritation to the area. So far so good. 

I won't have to see this sign for a while...

 

I celebrated finishing radiotherapy with a cosy night in. I whacked on a layer of my favourite face mask (Eve Lom rescue mask), lit my favourite scented candle and painted my nails. Rock ‘n Roll I know!

I did make up for it on Saturday night though as I went out to celebrate a friends 21^st birthday. I went for a wet hair look. What do you think?

I have spent some of my spare time making Christmas cards to sell at a Christmas Fair to raise money for Coppafeel! and Breakthrough breast cancer.  

What next? 

Now that I have pretty much finished treatment I am faced with this massive question. I still have to finish my course of Herceptin and I will be taking Tamoxifen tablets for the next five years but really I am pretty much done treatment wise. This of course means that really the 'naughty disease' part of my blog is pretty much done and dusted. I have really enjoyed blogging and as long as people want to keep reading about what I have been up to I will keep writing. I am sure that I will still have a few breast cancer related things to talk about in months to come. I have also thinking about starting a new lifestyle blog would any of you read it if I did?

Let me know what you think,

Love you long time. X

  

Radiotherapy week one...

Hello to all my new friends. I now have a really great following abroad so here I am attempting to say hello in some other languages…

I have had so many lovely comments and messages from you all recently and I just want to say a big fat thank you. It’s really nice to hear from people that read and enjoy my blog and it always makes my smile bigger (if that is even possible). It is also amazing that this little old blog has managed to reach so many people. The thing that really makes all of this rubbishness worth while is hearing from people and learning that they have gained something from the blog.

I have now completed my first week of radiotherapy and so far so good. I am yet to have any side effects. Apparently this is normal and it will take a couple of weeks before the side effects present themselves. Of course I am hoping that I will be the lucky patient that gets away relatively side effect free but I guess I will just have to wait and see what happens. The main pain is having to spend two hours travelling each day but it is a small price to pay to zap any naughty cells that may still be left behind.

I had to laugh at the fact I get my very own hospital gown to keep for the next five weeks. As I am sure you can imagine it is very sexy. My new best friend is aqueous cream which I apply twice a day to try and keep my skin behaving throughout treatment. Luckily the hospital provides me with the stuff so I should have plenty.

As well as spending a lot of time travelling too and from the hospital everyday I have been a busy lady doing other things. I have made two radio and one television appearance which is really great for helping me to raise awareness that younger women are at risk of breast cancer too. 

Don’t forget to check out my friends over at Coppafeel! too, they do some REALLY great work.

My hair is finally getting its grow on! I managed to properly (well kind of) part it today. Check it out..

What sort of things have I been wearing?

BOOK talk has been taking up a lot of my time recently which has been really exciting. I am crossing all my fingers and toes and sometimes even my eyes hoping that something will materialise from all of this. What do you all think, would you be interested in reading my book? Let me know your thoughts, either email me or leave me a comment. I would love to hear what you think. 

That's all from me for now folks. Have a great weekend.

Love you long time. X

The other side of the big C...

Hi everyone, sorry for my absence from the blogging world. I don’t have an excuse other than the fact that for once in my life I haven’t really had much to say! *cue sniggers* Life has just been ticking along really. I got struck down with a nasty chest and throat infection last week which resulted in a few days in bed and yet more antibiotics but I managed to stay out of hospital which is a big bonus.

I am aware that as I write this I have a few new followers thanks to the lovely people at Fabulous magazine. I wrote an article that made a guest appearance in their mag a couple of Sundays ago *see below.

I had an overwhelming response from some readers and lots of lovely emails and tweets. I apologise for not replying to you all personally. I do my best, but please know that I really do love hearing from you and I massively appreciate the support you all give me.

What else have I been up to? Well I have had some lovely hospital appointments including some Herceptin drugs and CT scans/radio planning funness. I have also been spending some time with friends doing normal stuff like going to the cinema and having girls nights and do you know what? It has been great. I even did some nice make up…

I have lots of fun stuff coming up to look forward to before radio including a couple of trips to London and one mystery weekend away! In fact I am so excited I could burst.

One of the most important things that I have been doing of late is reflecting. I have finally had some time to myself and now that my brain isn’t fogged up from various drugs I can just sit and think. Sometimes all I think is woah. I mean WOAH. Seriously, this year has been crazy. I think when you are going through active treatment you don’t really let yourself think/dwell too much, well I didn’t anyway, you just sort of get on with things. It’s only when I’ve started feeling well again that I have really realised just how unwell I was and how much I have been through. I mean don’t get me wrong the scars I see everyday are a constant reminder but it’s only recently that I have really begun to understand what they mean and what they stand for. I know they will fade but they will never go away completely and I think that’s the thing about having cancer, even though you may be in remission for now there is always that fear niggling away in the corner of your brain making you think will it come back? Over time the worries fade but they never really go away.

Don’t get me wrong I am all for positive thinking but I think it is important for those of you lucky enough not to have met a Kenneth of your own to understand that it’s not just the physical side of having cancer that’s the problem, mentally it is exhausting too. Physically I may be mostly better but realistically mentally I think it could take a bit longer. This is not easy for me to admit. But the truth is that I am still a little bit scared. I may even be a little bit scared forever. However I have come to realise that this is normal and I am not the only one that will have a few worries from time to time. Not many people really talk about the mental side effects of cancer but I just wanted anyone else in the same situation as me to know that they are not alone in their thoughts and really it is OK to talk about it. What is it they say? A problem shared is a problem halved. So here I am sharing a problem with you and d’ya know what it really does feel a bit better.

 

In other news I am sure you will all be excited to know that I am now finally able to have baths.

I have once again been on some lovely walks.

And I have two new roommates. Two spiders living on my ceiling. George and Harry. Don’t worry they aren’t the big fat hairy kind of spider they are the thin whispery kind. We’ve made friends and the deal is that they are allowed to stay there (I am a bit too scared to try and capture them plus I can’t actually reach them) as long as they don’t come down to my level. My only worry is if George is actually a Georgina and then they have babies. Actually I’m also a bit frightened they’ll tell their mates they’ve found a safe place to live where they aren’t being hunted for once and then I’ll have some sort of spider clan living in my bedroom. But for now they seem to have listened to my demands and are staying put and there are no signs of baby spiders as of yet. This time last year I would have been on the phone frantically trying to find someone to get rid of them for me so I actually feel quite triumphant at my bravery. There is also a Cedric living in the top corner of my shower we have a similar deal, he stays where he is and he’s alright but if he comes anywhere near me whilst I’m in the shower then we’ve got a problem. 

I saw the most amazing rainbow the other day so I thought I would share it with you.

That’s all from me this week folks.

Love you long time. X

My doctors have got a RAD new idea...

Hello my lovely readers. How are you all? I hope you are enjoying the bank holiday weekend. I bet you are all wondering what I have been up to? Well let me fill you in…

My wounds have been healing nicely which is really great. I still have a couple of dressings on but it won’t be long until I am dressing free (*I hope) and finally able to have a bath. I also have a lot more energy that I have been putting to good use by going for some nice walks in the sunshine. I had a dose of Herceptin at the hospital that went fine and I have done the odd bit of writing. As you can see I haven’t really had a very eventful week, well I hadn’t until yesterday. Yesterday I had an appointment with my oncologists. This appointment lasted nearly and hour and a half. In this appointment I was told I would need radiotherapy. EURGH. This was not part of the plan. I thought I was going to avoid being zapped. It turns out the universe had other ideas.

As if this latest blow wasn’t enough to ruin my week I then got told that my course of radio would last for five weeks. Most people are treated for three weeks but I, being the special person I am, get to have an extra two weeks because guess what I AM SO YOUNG (*if one more doctor tells me this I think I might spontaneously combust). Seriously I do realise that I was pretty unlucky to get cancer at my age I don’t need doctors to remind me of this too. My bleedin' age has a lot to answer for you know, it often means I get the bum end of the deal. I was given the strongest chemo and the most radical surgery so I probably should have guessed radiotherapy would be no different. Silly me thinking I had gotten away without having any.

SO on hearing the action plan I made a deal with my Docs, I told them that they had to wait until after I had been to the Cosmo Blog Awards before they could start frying me. I reckon that is only fair don’t you? It means my wounds have a bit longer to fully heal and I get to have a good few more weeks of feeling normal and having some fun before my energy gets temporarily zapped away from me again. If I am honest the thing that is bumming me out the most about this news is the fact that I won’t be able to have a hot bath during and for a little while after the treatment. I still haven’t had a bath since the day before my surgery and I MISS THEM. It seems cruel that not long after I am finally able to have a bath they will once again be taken away from me. Having radio also means I get to have my first tattoo (*sorry Snoop Doggy Rob, but it is strictly for medical reasons only)! It will be a couple of tiny dots on my chest and under my arm but hey it’s a tattoo all the same!

You probably want to know why the hospital have changed their minds about giving me radiotherapy. There was a slight mix up in the beginning and I should never have been told that I wasn’t going to need it. Unfortunately my oncologist was away when I was deciding about surgery and so my surgeon consulted with other doctors and wires got crossed. I had been told radio could wreck my reconstruction results so when I was told that I wouldn’t need it I decided to have the big op, get it all done at once and reduce my scarring. After surgery I had an appointment with my actual oncologist and he started to talk to me about radio. I told him that I was told I wouldn’t need it and he wasn’t impressed. He said he would talk to some other specialists and then make a decision.

My oncology team have now decided that because my original tumour (Kenneth) was so ‘naughty’ (AKA aggressive) and chemo didn’t completely kill him, there may be a few naughty cells left. Therefore they want to be safe and give me strong treatment. They also never found out for sure that it hadn’t spread to my nodes so they want to zap them too! I am all for being safe and so although this is in no way the decision I wanted I understand the need for it. Like most cancer treatments there are some negatives to radio, these include the fact that it may very well ruin the great cosmetic result my surgeon worked so hard to achieve and it will probably make me very tired both during treatment and for a while afterwards.  BUT HEY I’ve been through worse so although this is a bit of a pain I’m hoping I’ll be able to handle it. I think that really my doctors just like me so much they want to see me more ;-).

So there you go, that’s what has been happening in my life recently. I didn’t want to have radio, I thought I was finished with the nasty bits of my treatment and I was looking forward to finally being able to escape from the hospital for a while. Now I have to spend a whole lot more time there but I would rather spend time there now than have to spend time there again later on in life! The two hours of driving everyday will be a pain and any holiday plans I had have to be put on hold for now BUT I still get to go to the Blog Awards AND I can hopefully have a lot of fun now whilst there is still (*fingers crossed) the odd bit of sunshine left in the UK.

I completely agree with Dolly Parton who once said "the way I see it, if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain".

Love you long time. X

  

A very nice surprise and a couple of wet eyes.

Today for the first time in a very long while, I cried with happiness. Not a big cry, just a few little tear drops escaped my eyes. I quickly wiped them away and replaced them with the world’s biggest smile because today something happened that made all of this nastiness worth it. Something positive has come from the biggest negative in my life. But before I tell you all my exciting news, let me just fill you in on the last couple of days.

I saw my plastic surgeon on Monday. When he looked at his handiwork the words “DING DONG” actually came out of his mouth *cue blushes. I mean that has got to be good news right? I still need to have a couple of other operations to finish things off but I must say that I am also pretty happy with the result so far. Once I am all healed the only unsual thing about me will be my scars. Scars that I will learn to be proud of because they will remind me of my strength. They are my battle scars. A battle that I am planning on winning. I’m trying to focus on the positives, not dwell on the negatives. I’m no psychologist but I reckon if we all did that we would be much happier.

I have also been working on how to rock the whole very short hair look. It is pretty difficult to feel feminine with hair this short. I actually turned a little diva-ish the other day and rocked it out with some pretty mega accessories…

I have also been busy thanking the Universe muchly for Beyonce, Rhianna, Jessie J and their new short hair do’s. Maybe people will now just think I’m bang on trend with my hairstyle and did it through choice. That’s what I’m hoping anyway. For once in my life maybe I’ll be one of the cool kids?! *cough cough.

I have been writing this blog for nearly eight months. I have heard from and made friends with other women unfortunate enough to meet Kenneths of their own. Some of them also named their lumps and that I see that as a big compliment. This blog has also allowed me to meet some younger people diagnosed with other forms of cancer or serious illnesses. To hear from them that reading about my experience helps them in some way is amazing. Actually, I can’t believe how many people have now read my little old blog, the majority of these people do not even have cancer themselves but read anyway and that also amazes me. I never thought so many of you would be interested in my little life. Strangers that I do not even know are rooting for me and willing me to get better and not just from this country, people from all over the world have been in touch. When I started writing I didn’t expect anyone to actually read the blog let alone like it!

Some of you lovely people must have nominated me for a pretty big award in the blogging community because today I found out that my blog is one of ten to have been shortlisted *hence the happy tears* in the best newcomer category. I got a pretty big shock to discover a comment left on one of my posts today from someone telling me they had voted for me to win and loved the blog. I didn’t even know I was shortlisted and I reread the comment about 20 times. I couldn’t believe it, it was the best surprise ever. I cried in the Tesco car park surrounded by far too many people (I'm blaming Tamoxifen for messing with my emotions). It was right up there in my top ten embarrassing moments (along with Gangnam styling on the table tops of my local bar the day after my diagnosis but the less said about that the better). I feel very honoured to be in a category with so many other great blogs.

Really what I want to say is thank you to all of you because you make my life so much better and if I have helped any of you in anyway then all my struggles have been worth it! Raising awareness and helping others was what I set out to do. I wanted people to realise life with the big C doesn’t have to be all doom and gloom. I did my best to make you smile as well as talking about difficult things. By writing about my life and experiences to you all I discovered so much about myself and wrote things that I struggled to say aloud. I fell in love with writing, I met friends and I had my faith in the world restored. Hopefully one day no blogs like mine will be needed because someone will find a cure for this naughty disease, but for now I will keep writing so please help me to continue to raise awareness. Share the blog, continue to support Coppafeel! and most importantly keep checking those boobies.

Love you long time. X

Nice nails, mocktails and a possible UFO...

Hello hello, it’s me again! 

I am getting better everyday which is really super nice! I hit a little bump last week and managed to get an infection in one of my wounds but other than that it has just been a slow slog on the road to recovery.

Since I last wrote to you all the wonderful cyclists completed their bike ride and managed to raise a whopping £6200! How amazing are they? I am so proud of them all. 

My hair and eyelashes are growing back which is SO nice and I am really enjoying putting make up back on…

I even painted my nails…

I’ve been catching up with friends…

(That is a mocktail by the way)

Going on walks…

And watching fireworks...

Firework or UFO?

In other news I have been attempting to work on the book, although it is proving more difficult than I thought it would be. I saw my oncologist a couple of weeks ago and found out that I may have to have radiotherapy too which was a slight blow. I find out in two weeks what his decision is. I trust him one hundred percent and will respect whatever decision he makes even if it isn’t the one that I want. Other than that I don't really have any more news. I’m having a check up with my plastic surgeon tomorrow so I will let you know how that goes. Seriously though I am sorry that I don’t have anything more exciting to tell you.  

I will leave you all to get back to your Sunday.

Love you long time. X 

Danger mouse, dynamo and some cycling fanatics...

Hello everyone.

I have missed blogging so much that I thought I would treat you all to as many posts as I can master. I haven’t done much since I last wrote. I have just been busy recovering. However I have had one particularly unforgettable experience.

One evening whilst home alone waiting for Madre and Naomi to return from her graduation (eek well done her, she graduated with a first... clever or what?) I saw a mouse. An actual mouse ran across my living room floor. Naturally I remained cool, calm and collected. I did not squeal or panic or lock myself upstairs in my bedroom and barricade the door. Nope not me ;-). When Madre and Naomi eventually returned they too saw the mouse. It made its' return appearance in Naomi’s bedroom. Ha. I shouldn’t laugh but I was immensely grateful that the mouse was not in my room, the gods were on my side this once. After failed attempts by both Naomi and Madre to capture the mouse in a waste paper bin, a trap was laid. This trap was put outside N’s room on the landing. Needless to say the mouse was too clever and managed to avoid the trap.

Late the next night Naomi and I were just chilling downstairs when the mouse appeared to me once again. It seems to like Naomi and popped its head out from under the sofa where she was sat. Once again I calmly alerted her to its presence. I went to get a broom. I thought that like in Disney’s Cinderella using my broom I could sweep and chase the mouse out of the house. Don’t believe everything that Disney teaches you. For this method of mouse removal is also unsuccessful. Mice are pretty quick movers.

The mouse disappeared and Naomi and I got engrossed in watching Dynamo on the telly. He really is amazing. He turned a water fountain in Ibiza into ICE. We were busy talking about how great he is when we heard a bang. Looking at each other in horror we realised that the bang we heard must have been the mouse trap. What were we supposed to do now? We had to go upstairs to see if it was the mouse we heard. I decided that Naomi should go first and I would follow. Naomi had just about reached the first stair when the mouse turned Kamikaze on us. It launched itself, whilst partially caught in the trap, over the banister and flying an inch from Naomi’s face landed on the stairs. We both screamed. A split second later I was stood on the sofa still screaming and watching in horror as the mouse ran down the stairs and began running in circles around the floor. It had just one leg caught in the trap.

I was screaming, Naomi was screaming, the mouse was screaming and if the neighbours didn’t already think we were weird, they sure did now. Eventually Naomi was the brave one and using my broom (I knew Cinderella would help me in some way) she swept the mouse into a waste paper bin, donned some rubber gloves and set off up the road to set our unwelcome visitor free. I would like to add that she was wearing her pyjamas and no shoes, so at least the neighbours can now associate her with the weirdness and not me. Anyway after our experience meeting the real life danger mouse nothing else this week has really caught my attention.

Now that I am feeling more human I have been taking the time to figure out what I want to do with my life. I’m not sure that I really know, but I did get an idea. I thought why not write a novel based loosely on my own story. What a great way to raise awareness. If I aimed it at women 18-40 years old they could read it tell their friends, spread the word. So on Sunday I decided to start writing. I also figure that by revealing my plans to you my devoted readers, it means I am less likely to chicken out and more likely to follow the idea through. I may find that actually book writing is not for me but at least I will have given it a go. If the book is rubbish they hey, its rubbish but if I don’t try I won’t succeed. And like my grandpa used to say ‘if at first you don’t succeed, try, try, try again’. So that’s exactly what I’m going to do.

In other exciting news I put MASCARA on yesterday. Yes that’s right my eyelashes are beginning to appear. WAHOOOOO! Right now the only problem I have is that my bottom lashes are significantly longer than my top lashes and that my right eye has way less lashes than the left. But hey, at least I have some lashes now. 

As I sit here typing this sipping tea, curled up on the sofa, my sister, 3 of my cousins and a friend are busy cycling. Over 2 and a half days they are travelling from Bristol (where I spent three of the happiest years of my life at University) to Salcombe (where I live now) across a distance of nearly 200 miles. Why are they doing this? Is it of a strange love of cycling? Is it because they love a challenge? Is it because they need a bit of lycra in their lives? Probably yes to some of these questions but the real reason they are punishing themselves is because they love me. They are busy trying to raise as much money as possible for Coppafeel! and Breakthrough Breast Cancer. Two charities close to my heart. These charities do some AMAZING work and if anybody reading this wants to support them by sponsoring some wonderful people on their cycling crusade please donate by clicking here. So proud of them all and thinking about them constantly.

That's all from me today folks,

Love you long time. X

Operation kick Kenneth out!

Hello my lovelies. I cannot believe it has been over 4 weeks since I last blogged. I am very sorry. I do however have a genuine excuse for my poor attendance. All will be explained later…

So here I am nearly 5 weeks post surgery writing to you all KENNETH FREE. I could pretend that everything has been sunshine and giggles for the past 5 weeks, but that would be all I was doing, pretending I mean. You see in truth moments of the past 5 weeks have probably been some of the hardest moments of my life and it would be wrong of me to pretend otherwise. Although I have remained fairly upbeat and positive throughout my treatment, there were some moments where I was overcome with grief. These moments were all experienced during my two week post op hospital stay and I can honestly say that not one tear has been shed since I returned home. I am also blaming the morphine for some of my mini breakdowns. I’m going to split this blog into sections to make it easier for some of you to digest, but I am warning you it is a long one.

THE OPERATION (18/06/2013)

I woke up in hospital on the day of my operation feeling surprisingly calm. Madre came into the hospital and accompanied me whilst I waited to see my surgeons, sign consent forms and finally be wheeled off to have my anaesthetic. My plastic surgeon (who by the way is one of my favourite doctors ever) was amazing with me on the morning of surgery. He came in, gave me a hug and promised that he would look after me and I completely trusted that he would do just that. I remember signing consent forms and suddenly beginning to feel nervous. I did my best not to let it show but I think a tear or two did silently slip down my cheek. The anaesthetist and her team were really great with me and before I knew it I was sound asleep. 

The first thing I remember after waking up was an overwhelming pain in my shoulder. Yes that’s right my shoulder, not my operation sites. I was given more pain relief and I saw a couple of lovely friends (because Madre wasn’t quite at the hospital yet). I can barely remember what we talked about and I don’t think I want to. It is in the past now and all I know is that I really did not feel well. I was told the operation was successful but took nearly 12 and a half hours. I was then moved to intensive care where I finally got to see my mum. I remember complaining about being thirsty and I swear the first glass of water I had was the best glass of water I’ve ever drank in my life. It wasn’t long before I began to realise that something was wrong with my left arm. 

I couldn’t move it. I couldn’t feel it. Surely this wasn’t supposed to happen. The nurse told me it was probably because of the arterial line I had in my arm (a big old tube in my artery). I felt a bit like Frankenstine, my body didn’t really feel like my own. I had two drips in my feet because the veins in my arm were so destroyed from chemo. I was being pumped with all kinds of things. My blood pressure was really low and so I had loads of fluid to try and bring it up, I also needed magnesium and other things I had low levels of. I was so swollen I felt like a balloon. The nurse promised me it was temporary although I didn’t believe her. All the while I was wrapped in a plastic blanket that had hot air being pumped through it called a bear hugger. I hated it. I was uncomfortable, sore and feeling pretty rotten. Late the next night I was finally moved out of ICU to a normal ward.

I didn’t like it. Something didn’t feel right. I felt really poorly. To make matters worse I then got a temperature. I was boiling but the nurses wouldn’t let me take the blanket off. In all honesty it was one of the worse nights of my life. I have never felt so poorly, ever. I was uncomfortable, tired and hot. SO hot. I had doctors coming in to check on me, drain blood blisters, give me blood transfusions and IV antibiotics. I knew something was wrong. Eventually the next morning I saw my surgeon and was told I had to go back to surgery. Luckily Snoop Doggy Rob was on his way and this time it was his turn to come with me to theatre. I think it is safe to say that both of us were pretty anxious. My veins were playing up and so I had to have a central line put in. For those of you who don’t know, a central line is a tube that goes in your neck and connects to a large vein by your heart. It is held in place by a stitch and although it wasn’t painful it was pretty uncomfortable as it had 3 tubes hanging off it. It was really useful though as it meant no more needles for me. All blood tests, blood transfusions and drugs could all happen from this one point, my hands and feet were free.

WEEK ONE POST OP (or should I say ops)

The second operation went well and luckily that was the last time I had to go to theatre. I had to have another two units of blood via a transfusion but then it was just a question of trying to control my pain. I was very uncomfortable I hated not being able to sleep on my side and being wrapped in plastic all the time. I was worried about my arm which I still couldn’t move but the thing that hurt the most was my stomach. Every time the nurses made me move position I was convinced I had ripped my stomach open. The first time I sat in a chair, 6 days post op, I sat like a hunched old woman for about half an hour before having to return to bed, exhausted. I had 6 drains attached to me that made life even more uncomfortable. At 22 years old I felt like a pensioner. I relied on nurses to wash me, dress me, pass me a drink. The only thing that made life bearable was my daily visitors. Snoop Doggy Rob came to see me every morning and spoon fed me smoothies, Madre massaged my dead arm to try and bring it back to life, Jane kept me up to date with gossip and Lucy didn’t bat an eyelid when I threw up all over her. I also have to mention my favourite nurse ever Hannah who is a young adults with cancer specialist nurse, who regularly came to visit me and cheer me up!

BIRTHDAY

Unfortunately I wasn’t feeling that well on my birthday. To make matters worse I had dressings changed, 2 drains removed and I also had another moment when I was completely convinced I’d ripped my stitches (I hadn’t). I think it is fair to say that really I didn’t have the best of days. BUT you lot did yourselves proud on the card front. I have never ever seen so many cards in my life!! THANK YOU. Unfortunately though I couldn’t open one card or present myself because of my stupid arm, Naomi and Lucy did the honours. I received some lovely gifts and I’m sorry I was so bad at thanking you all, but please know that I am so grateful! Even when I didn’t have visitors I never felt alone surrounded by your messages of love and support. The cards covered an entire wall in my hospital room, a window sill and a ledge behind my bed. The best happy birthday song was from Hannah, she knows why!

The wall of love grew much more but this was it on the actual day

There were hundreds more cards behind me but I couldn't turn around to take a picture

WEEK TWO POST OP

I began to get some feeling and movement back in my arm but I still had pins and needles, numbness and was beginning to have some serious pains in my joints. I had lots and lots of physio on my arm but also on my legs because being completely bed ridden for a week meant that my muscles had wasted and I could barely stand let alone walk. Doctors began to investigate what was wrong with my arm and told me that I had some nerve damage. Throughout the week I gradually had the rest of my drains removed. In time I gradually began walking (I say walking but everyone who saw me probably thought it was more like watching the hunchback of Notre Dame after one too many drinks). When I proved I could safely walk up the stairs I was allowed to go home. The car journey home was hugely uncomfortable but I made it all in one piece.

RECOVERY

Anybody reading this who is about to have this operation please don’t freak out. The nurses will be great (with a few exceptions) and normally you are allowed home after a week. I was different because I had my surgery after chemo and so my immune system wasn’t tip top, therefore it took me a while to shift my infection. The hardest part of my recovery was all arm related and the chance of your arm being damaged is exceptionally small. Nerve pain is the worst pain ever and my arm distracted me from everything else, I was ready to chop it off when finally the doctor gave me some nerve specific painkillers that actually worked. I had some tests at the hospital on Wednesday and they have said my Radial nerve is damaged (explaining why my thumb is still numb and difficult to move). Hopefully with time it will improve but I may never have complete sensation back in the arm. Bummer. Now that my pain is under control and I can move my fingers a bit better I am finally able to type. I do have to have regular breaks though as my arm gets easily tired. I am still unable to grip anything so I have learnt to eat one handed, open bottles one handed in fact really my right arm is pretty darn amazing!

I spent a lot of time watching Wimbledon and tried to spend a little time in the sun. I have had lots of visitors including these guys...

In terms of boobs everything is OK, I still have some open wounds (again because of rubbish immune system) that the lovely district nurses come to look after and there is still a lot of swelling, so really it’s pretty early days to be judging them. I am yet to have my follow up appointment with my surgeon but I am sure he will tell me more. But as i type to you now I am pretty happy with them. The scar on my stomach is massive but it's not as ugly as I thought it would be and again I know that with time it will get better. Funnily enough when I did get home part of my stomach scar did reopen but again the district nurses are sorting me out. 

So all in all after a pretty tough five weeks I am now on the mend and finally beginning to feel more human. I am looking forward to living my life and creating some happy memories for 2013. A full recovery is going to take a long time, I am still very tired, covered in cuts and bruises and mentally exhausted but I have proven to myself how brave I really am. I have learned that sometimes it is OK to cry, in fact its natural and part of the healing process. I’ve realised that sometimes I need to let people know how I’m really feeling because they can actually help. Most importantly I now firmly believe that having conquered the last eight months I really can do anything! 

Love you long time. X

ps. check out my new hair!!